Monica Dayakar ~ The Story...

 

Bird Song

The Story...

Head in the Tiger's jaw...
And then the rooting out... the ripping apart started... slowly over the next few years... all I can say about that phase, is, "Fierce Grace"...
The "rooting" out, the deconstruction of unconscious beliefs and conditioned patterns...
Of all that I thought that I was, or am... ripped to shreds...
It was my own love that tore me apart...
My head was clenched in the Tiger's jaws...
And it was my own love, that brought me back...
A grueling and gut-wrenching phase...
Certainly not a walk in the park...
I am aware that what seems like unbearable, agonizing and excruciatingly painful, is none the less, benevolent energy, coursing through me.
The deep caverns of my heart, that have protectively and lovingly, held together, an indiscernible quantum soup, has burst wide open.
No place to hide...
All the corners, turned, inside-out...
The knots... { hahaha... the Nots } were beginning to untie themselves...
I, was coming "undone" !!
Fierce Grace...
 I sat yesterday, engulfed in a dark cloud of past patterns.
Helpless in my reaction, powerless in my involvement with feelings and emotions that were being dredged up...
Self and the sense of volition, are two sides of the same coin...
Aware enough though, not to go into blame of the external trigger...
{ understanding that the external, was in essence an unclaimed part of
myself }
I sat quietly, through the knife being turned in my gut, my whole body being wracked from top to toe, inside out.
 And in the midst of it all, it came me that "this was grace, this was grace".
"Fierce grace", as Ram Das put it.
 And in this state, I picked myself up, and went for a walk... literally dragging my butt. My limbs ached, my heart palpitated.
Breathless, I returned... had a few sips of water and sat down.
Within a minute or two... the dark cloud lifted...
Leaving in it's wake an empty space...
As if nothing had happened!!
Cracking Open...
It just kept unfolding... post 'awakening', though I have seen a lot of people seem to feel they are 'done', { and I have to confess, that I did, too! } after the stage of experiencing universal consciousness... "the I am nothing, yet I am everything".
 It is a blissful state, no doubt, and there is resting in it, for as long as it's needed. {and I call it a resting, NOT a hiding out.}
 Each step being complete in itself, tends to give one the feeling, that, that's all... it's over.
 In a way it is, too.
For that step, at that time.
 Post this phase, or actually during this phase, I was fortunate to be internally guided by my guru/inner knowing/ intuition, to go on a diet of uncooked food for 40 days.
I had no clue why, I just followed the inner dictates.
 And it seems, now that I listen to so many experiences, others have gone through, that many people experience depression, at not only this stage {the depletion caused in the body, by the amount of energy that is activated to burn up those old circuitry, in the brain }, but also when... a phase in which the substratum of the subconscious is opening up and all that the psyche tried so hard to hide is boiling up to the surface, the same phase that I referred to in an earlier post " Fierce Grace "
 Much as it seems the trend to discard the mind and body as "illusion," and to discard the physiological changes that accompany every step, yet one needs to extend some TLC to them as the whole is impacted by this process.
The self... even though seen through as a mental fabrication... just doesn't whoosh away...
And self care... doesn't hurt...
As I myself have experienced, this particular phase of "... in which the substratum of the subconscious is opening up and all that the psyche tried so hard to hide is boiling up to the surface," { ~~Cheryl Abram } is also a phase that is bringing up a great amount of energy play, and can seem to be really messy, difficult, even cruel, as alignment of the whole takes place.
 I guess it started, when my psyche felt that I was strong enough already to undergo this difficult experience.
I was utterly surprised by it, I guess because I believed that "there is nothing left in my subconscious"....!!!
 This "cracking open", phase can be very painful , yet, it is how it unfolded...
 Like a rose bud blooming, this is a phase that cannot be forced... it unravels naturally as one ripens... though one might not think so when it does start happening...!!!
 Yet one is able to go through it... without scarring
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spent so many frustrating years... unable to understand why my outer world didn't reflect my inner !!!
Why it didn't happen earlier, don't know, nor why it happens when it does, just the way the cookie crumbles... but eventually, the " let go "... of any conceptual image of what my inner world was, and what my outer world ought to look like, and... miracle of miracles... the division broke down... and it was just so...
Ahhhhhh... life
"And when all effort ceased... as if by magic... all the lines disappeared... it was and is the most real thing there is... direct intimate seamlessness... realer than real... closer than close..."
What could be more ridiculous to have ANY idea of what reality looks like, other than what IS ??
The let go happens... or not... phew... sigh...
 "I" could not have decided to 'do' it...
All that I am... one seamless whole, indefinable... not fragmented into the myriad images that the shards of the mind holds up as real...
I wasn't even particularly trying to let it go... but I guess a point comes, when you've had just about enough... and I do remember telling myself ...
" You know what... to hell with it... can't do it anymore... time to get real... can't fool myself any longer about it... it ain't working..." and such stuff !!!
Looking back, now I realize, I was for dear life, hanging on to a "blissed out" state, after" my experience" of Oneness, Cosmic Consciousness, No Separation, am Nothing, yet Everything... hahaha...
And yet the horrors of my external life, carried on, relentlessly, in fact got even worse, if that were possible, and I just couldn't understand what was happening.
All I could do was watch, haplessly, for years.
Till one day I found myself, reeeeeaaaallllly sitting down with myself and saying " What the heck is going on ??? "
I so badly wanted my outer world to reflect my inner sense of peace... and it didn't look anything like that... in fact far from it... it didn't look like anything I expected it to look like !!!
OHHHH... the images we create, of how Life {Reality} should look...
{ "It always is as it is.
 Always.
 And looks like anything at all.
 This is truly always it.
 Whatever it looks like.
 Always nothing other."}
Put brilliantly by...
~~Nancy Neithercut }
Why it didn't happen earlier, don't know, nor why it happens when it does... just the way the cookie crumbles.
Inside Out... Upside Down !!!
And the Light streamed across my Conscious Being...
For sometime, now it had bothered me...
That once I was shown my own radiance... my own brilliant Divinity...
Then why was I unable to accept the very same Divinity in another...
Specially in one particular other..??
Their humanity kept somehow coming in the way {and how...!!!}
So overpoweringly... it totally obscured my ability to see the Divine or even a trace of it...
Very, very frustrating... these last few years..!!!
And suddenly
The brilliant streak of lightening, that lit the field of consciousness...
What I wasn't accepting in this significant other...
Their Humanity...
Was me... was me!!
My own Humanity...
What more is there...?
It's utterly divine
This
Our humanity...
And that... right there
Went flying out of the window
And the bottom dropped
Out of the notion of divinity
As something that transcends being human
Or other than
Another one bit the dust...
Life has come full circle...
It is complete.
 Without beginning and without end.
All lit up
 And a Joyousness.
The bubble bobbing on the surface of water, burst...
And a collapsing, a relaxing...
Into the sea.
The war was over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the absence of denial, the question of acceptance becomes meaningless and just doesn't arise...
Am amazed it took so long in the seeping through into every fibre  of my being.
Considering that the grace of awareness being aware of itself as itself... which was an emptiness, a void... by ITSELF...
Nothing in particular... yet Everything, there IS... was such a spontaneous happening, with certainly no meritocracy on my part, as a human being...
Well over 20 years ago...!!!
And I was very aware of that, in fact at the time, felt that others, with so much spiritual practice under their belt, were more deserving... hahaha.
However was shown that in spite of my, what I felt, was my flawed human-ness, there was no particular way that I needed to be...
That as I was, just as me, worthy.
Took me a while to grasp... because as the mind stilled... fell into silence... and the 'ME' fell away... in that void...that empty space, arose spontaneously recognition of the all, that IS.
Not a  'ME' that is it...
But it is, as it is.....!!
Reconciling that the human aspect of the 'me' is not separate from the WHAT IS, was confusing, to say the least... as the experience was of "the me" , falling away... and a loss of any experience of being this or that...
Yet the being Everything...
The all that IS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 And over the last 18 years or so...
 Events still continue to happen in my personal life..
 Some joyful, some painful...
 I laugh with joy and cry with pain...
But there is a core... in the middle of the storm... that is untouched by the swirling winds of debris...
It runs silently... holding everything together gently... and letting it go simultaneously...
 While at some level the threads of the fabric I call " my life " , are being gently and slowly pulled away... unravelled...
And a new fabric being knit.
 { The old wiring, I'm guessing, being torn down... and it is excruciatingly painful, to put it mildly... but there is no resistance as the grasping falls... 🙂 }
And all is well with the world as it is.
Looking back, not one thing was out of place, not one person, not one event...
The most horrible years of my life were also the most beautiful and blessed... if it weren't for the separation, I couldn't  have  savoured both.
 At one with myself I now walk in life...
Literally, born again, in love...

P.S. Aunty too passed away , 3 months after Swami left his body.
And all the while, I go about my daily chores...
 Children, 5 grandchildren, husband, mother, brothers and their families, friends, strangers, you , this forum... the world at large...
I guess, dear X, you've just triggered a sharing...

 

 

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